I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has.
1 am. Doors close and the halls go silent like the sleeping. I listen to a song I haven’t heard in years, it’s airy and bubbles up inside me like soda foam. Easily I am back in that time. The feel of effortlessness in the dark, him sitting cross-legged in that calm way, making me laugh with little stories, for one small moment exactly the kind of boy I would love.